i dont know
Draft
i dont think im gonna post this. i just need somewhere to put my thoughts because i feel like my head is getting too loud lately. i dont even know where to start. i love clover. i do. i dont want to make it sound like i dont because i really really do. but i feel tired. i feel so guilty for even writing that because i know shes not okay. she hasnt been okay for a long time. every time i go over to her house i get this horrible feeling i cant explain. i dont know if its just me. her parents make me nervous. i always feel like im in the way there. i feel like if i stand in the wrong place or say the wrong thing i'll get yelled at even though theyve never actually yelled at me. i dont know. it just feels... wrong. sometimes i wonder what its like when nobody else is there. and then i feel bad for wondering because thats probably none of my business. i know clover isnt trying to hurt me. i know she isnt. i know shes scared and angry and stressed all the time and i wish i could just make it stop somehow. i just dont know how anymore. sometimes it feels like everything i do is the wrong thing. if i spend time with my friends she gets upset. if i dont answer my phone fast enough she thinks im ignoring her. if i say i want to stay home for a night she thinks im getting bored of her. and then she always apologizes afterwards and i feel awful because she looks so guilty and then i end up apologizing too even though i wasnt even the one who was upset. i dont know why i keep crying lately. i feel like a terrible girlfriend because sometimes i just want a quiet afternoon where nobody needs anything from me. and then i think about everything clover has to deal with and i feel selfish for thinking that. i wish things could just go back to how they were. when we'd waste hours doing nothing and somehow that was enough. i miss when she smiled more. i still see it sometimes. just not very often anymore. i dont know. maybe im overthinking everything again. maybe this is just what relationships are like and everyone else is better at handling it than i am. this is gonna sound stupid. but i keep feeling like something bad is about to happen. not because of anything specific. its just this feeling. like when youre outside and the air changes before it starts raining. clover keeps saying weird little things sometimes. about how she wishes she could just disappear for a while. or how nobody would notice if she left. i always tell her thats not true because it isnt. but she just kind of laughs. its not even a real laugh. its like she already decided something that i wasnt part of. i keep thinking about that. i wish shed tell me what shes thinking. i wish shed let me help. i dont know if she even want help anymore… maybe im just tired. maybe we're both tired. maybe i'll talk to her tomorrow. maybe if we actually sit down and tell each other everything instead of pretending everythings okay it'll all be